I hate this. HATE.IT.
I feel like the aftermath is eating me alive, cell by cell. A slow and painful death. He rips me apart limb by limb. Shoving my face in his muddy entrails. Clawing and shredding any possible ounce of humanness out of me. He laughs maniacally and spits poison in my face. Grabs me by the throat and throttles me until I’m choking so hard I’m actually wishing for my own final breath. And then he releases, quietly slinking back into the shadows.
I’m never sure when he will rear his fierce and ugly head again. He leaves me walking on eggshells. Looking over my shoulder. Only half sleeping, with both eyes always open. Keeping all the heavy armor strapped on as tightly as I can.
And then. Then.
Just at that one tiny tender moment when I falter and become vulnerable. He erupts and comes raging at me in a fiery thunder. All gale force winds and ominous dark clouds and pounding crushing waves. Through all my layers of protective armor. Over every last wall I’ve so painstakingly built. Crashing through the silence. Unbounded from his meager cage. An army of one, ready for war. Forcing my eyes wide open, to stare into his hideous face. To make me watch as he joyfully starts his butchery all over again.
And once he’s had his way and is satiated by the bloodshed he finally declares victory. Leaving only tears and heartbreak and carnage in his wake.
I’m too tired to resist. I have nothing left worth taking.