The day I realized I needed to make a change – a real honest to god no holds barred take no prisoners sink or swim set the world on fire and figure out who the hell I really am underneath it all change – was the day I was sitting in my psychiatrist’s office just a couple of months ago and he told me that I’m perfect. “Perfectly imperfect,” he said. And I cried. I sobbed. I ugly cried. Right there in front of him. Big huge tears and wracking sobs and ugly snot running down my face. Because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t believe him. Perfect? Me?! Hell no! I’m anything but! I’ve tried and I’ve tried, and oh hell have I tried. But I’m not even close. Nope. Not even in the same atmosphere as anything relatively close to perfect.
I’ve struggled every day of my life with hating the person that I am. Not being enough. Feeling less than. I’ve belittled her. I’ve starved her. I’ve binged her. I’ve purged her. I’ve cut her. I’ve hurt her. I’ve looked for love in all the wrong places. I’ve put her in harms way. Too many times. I’ve let her make bad choices. Too many times. I’ve been down on my knees and begged her to look inside and see, know, feel, believe that somewhere deep down inside there is someone in there who is WORTHY. Of love and beauty and freedom. Freedom to BE. But fighting her tooth and nail to let her out and shine. This life we live is so full of struggles and challenges, sometimes it’s hard to give ourselves permission to feel the joys. To allow the joy. To BE the joy.
You see?? THIS IS MY PROBLEM! I’m so fucking hell bent on being ‘perfect’, and the fact that I’m NOT, that I didn’t even realize that the beauty is really in the being NOT PERFECT. Perfectly Imperfect! Because when you think about it, who really is perfect? No one. Or, everyone.
So I take what I’ve always felt about myself, and I kick it to the curb. Throw it out with the bath water. Toss it into the wind and don’t look back. And instead I take what I’ve learned – what I’m learning – about myself. And I embrace it. I cradle it and coddle it and love up all on it. I walk around it and admire it, head to toe. I become acquainted with this new person. This woman. This stranger who I have so much to learn about. I see glimpses of joy. Of fire. Of passion. Of light and love and strength and power. I see her still standing in the shadows, but she’s peeking out and taking chances and starting to believe that she’s worthy of being seen and heard and loved. And I’m in awe. I am in awe. Who knew?