yesterday i failed…today, a slight perspective change

I wrote this yesterday, after an especially emotionally difficult week, weekend, day. I was far far far down the rabbit hole. My train had derailed. This grief and mourning and living and thriving thing….it’s all shit. And it’s not for the faint of heart. None of it.

I wasn’t going to share this here, for all to see. Pity party, table for one please. But I shared my words with some of my tribe, and something beautiful and amazing and inspiring happened. There was no pity. There was no judgment. There was acceptance, and love, and space, and encouragement, and HOLY SHIT YES I FEEL THAT TOO! And THAT, my friends, is the point. Connection, it’s soul-saving. It is.

All I can do, every day every minute every hour, is me. Whatever that means. Messy. Tear-stained. Heartbroken. Complicated. Bold. Cracked open. Raw. Authentic. Glorious. Kick ass. Imperfect. Me. And I do ‘me’ well. I really do. I don’t fail at ‘me’. And that’s something.

(Double photo cred to @jstonesquared, thanks for always having my back and showing me perspective ❤ )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I am a failure.

I’m failing at being a wife
I’m failing at being a mother
I’m failing at being a homemaker
I’m failing at being a friend and a lover
I’m failing at saying what I want
I’m failing at asking for what I need
I’m failing at grieving
I’m failing at mourning

I sit on the floor in the shower
and let the steaming hot water
pour over my body
and wash away my tears
until there is no hot water left

I sit on the floor in the shower
and let the icy cold water
pour over my body
and wash away my tears
until I’m shivering from the cold

and yet the tears still come
in waves and raging fits
as I beat my hands on my chest
and beg for the pain to end
and I beat my head on the tiled wall
and beg for the pain to end

I hear cracks and breaks
as if glass has shattered all around me
when I look around
through the haze of salty tears
I expect to see blood
red and brown and murky
yet all I see is clear water flowing down the drain
and still
cracks and breaks
and great shattering crashes
echo all around me
echo within me

my heart
my soul
my spirit
have erupted into tortured chaos
I’ve tried so hard
to keep all three of them alive
to just make it one more day
one more hour
one more breath
to live
to survive
to thrive

today I remove my queens crown
I remove my goddess wings
and superhero cape
my knightly armor
my fuck me heels
and my warrior paint

I lay down my sword
throw my shield to the side
the protective walls come crumbling down
into piles of ash and dust

I lay down naked
arms spread wide
stripped down to my very core

I cry for what was
and for what will never be
I howl at the moon
as it hides behind the gray and ominous clouds

I feel the cold wet drops of rain
they sear holes
as they burn through my flesh

Today I have failed

edwardabbey
delicatefemflower

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5 thoughts on “yesterday i failed…today, a slight perspective change

  1. Kisha Hendrix January 12, 2015 / 10:58 pm

    I felt this. Every word of this. It resonated so loudly I heard my own cracks and breaks. No pity. No judgement. I’m so glad you shared. You give me the strength to show my own hurt and give me the okay to say I’m not okay. I failed today. Which doesn’t, by any means, make us failures. I love our tribe. I love you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Breathe in. Breathe out. Live. January 13, 2015 / 5:57 am

      Kisha I love you ❤ I'm glad you felt this. And I'm so sorry you felt this. IMHO, you of all people are not a failure. You are a fucking warrior showing life how it's done (like a fucking boss!!). Good days, bad days, shitty days, drunk days, hurting days, hard days, happy days. You girl, are living them. To the fucking nines. XOXO

      Like

  2. T. Cabrera January 12, 2015 / 11:42 pm

    I love you, Missy. I walk the path of grief with you. It’s not linear, this terrible journey. It may never end, either though the grade levels in places, so we can discover our progress,get some perspective and breath to charge on. I bid you peace, my sweet,brave friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Breathe in. Breathe out. Live. January 13, 2015 / 5:57 am

      Thank you Tim, I love you, too. And it heartens me to know that we walk this path together. To not be alone, means so much. Much love and peace to you, my dear friend ❤

      Like

  3. Brandi January 13, 2015 / 3:23 pm

    WOW…..bold, amazing, powerful. INSPIRING! This resonated with me so much – too much. I had to take a step back and pause. This is Mel writing – MELISSA! Not a random stranger I can just relate to – MELISSA! I felt your words…..”failure…..failing at saying what I want, failing at being a mother” I feel that way all too often, but I have never seen you as a failure, nor can I imagine you feeling that way. It’s amazing how you can put your emotions into words so fluidly. Grief comes in many forms, as does failure; two demonic forces ready to fight. Just remember the power and vision of your words carry strength. You are awesome, loved and simply said, you will be OK.
    ❌⭕️❌⭕️😘

    Liked by 1 person

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