surrendering to grief

feather

Today I am a failure

I’m failing at being a wife
I’m failing at being a mother
I’m failing at being a friend and a lover
I’m failing at saying what I want
I’m failing at asking for what I need
I’m failing at grieving
I’m failing at mourning

I crumple onto the shower floor
and let the steaming hot water
pour over my body
and wash away my tears
until hot….becomes warm…becomes cold

I cower there with tangled wet hair
and let the icy cold water
pour over my body
and wash away my tears
until I’m shivering
from…the cold…the grief…the fear

I shiver and rage
shiver and rage

and yet the tears still come
in waves and violent fits
as I beat my hands on my chest
and beg for the pain to end
as I beat my head on the tiled wall
and beg for the pain to end

I shiver and rage
shiver and rage

I hear cracks and breaks
as if glass has shattered all around me
when I look around
through the haze of salty tears
I expect to see blood
crimson metallic and murky
yet all I see is clear water flowing down the drain
and still
cracks and breaks
and great shattering crashes
echo all around me
echo within and through me

As I shiver and rage
shiver and rage

my heart
my soul
my spirit
have erupted into tortured chaos
I’ve tried so hard
to keep going
to just make it one more day
one more hour
one more breath
to live
to survive
to thrive

~~~~~~~

Today I do not fail
I allow grief to overtake me
to swallow me whole
to cradle my broken heart
I succomb to its power

today I remove my queens crown
I remove my goddess wings
and superhero cape
my knights suit of armor
my fuck me heels
and warrior paint

I lay down my sword
throw my shield to the side
the protective walls come crumbling down
into piles of ash and dust
as grief comes barreling toward me

I lay down naked and spent
arms spread wide
stripped down to my very core
ravaged by the inner beast
of loss…of pain…of grief

I cry for what was
and for what will never be
I howl at the moon
as it hides behind gray and ominous clouds

I feel the cold wet drops
of pain
of grief
of loss
they sear holes
as they burn through my flesh

As I shiver and rage
shiver and rage

Today I surrender to grief

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5 thoughts on “surrendering to grief

  1. Wansley July 6, 2015 / 7:51 am

    I sit here and I read exactly what I have been doing for 2 yrs and 3 months. …I have heard those sounds day after day and felt the pain and the tears night after night.
    thank you

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    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lucinda Tart August 26, 2015 / 1:35 pm

    Reblogged this on livingyournewlifewithchronicpain and commented:
    I too surrender to my grief when it comes crashing in. To avoid it creates great anger and that anger spreads to all that surrounds me. I encourage us all to let it come; it will then go.

    Like

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