a moment of clarity

image

I shared this pic a few days ago on FB. It resonated so much with me. With where I am heading. When I read this, it was like my whole body let out a sigh. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. Yes. I do.

As I slowly ascend from the abyss of grief and depression resulting from the loss of my mom, I realize the woman I was died with her. I am not, nor will I ever be, the same person I was while she was alive. I am forever changed by her loss from my life, my world. This is a fact. My new reality.

Now, at 42, I am struggling and changing and growing. I am sifting through the best and worst parts of her, and the best and worst parts of me. Trying them all on for size. Figuring out what works and what no longer serves me. Discovering the me who lives on, now.

A journey.

A mission.

A rebirth.

It’s a long, slow, sometimes painful process. As is life. Filled with joy and despair, new discoveries and old habits.

I am obsessed with becoming a woman comfortable in her own skin.

I’m not sure that I have ever felt comfortable in my own skin. Wait. Scratch that. I HAVE NEVER FELT COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN. In my body. In my heart. In my mind. And as I take this journey to discover who I am and how to Live (yes, capital L) without my mother, I realize THAT is the thing that has been missing.

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. That is the kind of woman I want to be. I want to be comfortable in this body of mine. I really do. It’s what was lacking from the old me. The ‘before’ me. The me she knew and loved.

How can I truly live an authentic, transparent life, if I’m not even comfortable in my own skin? I can’t. Therefore, I strive to be.

The cool thing is that I think I’m on my way to doing just that. I’m being more true to myself and what I want. I’m listening to my heart and my soul and figuring out what makes me tick. What that sweet spot is in life. Discovering what will put that sparkle in my eye, and smile on my lips.

I have a long way to go yet, but I’m doing some things to get me there. I’m writing. I’m being vulnerable and sharing some of the deepest darkest parts of me (no matter how utterly terrifying it is!). I’m tapping into my creative side and having fun. I’m making connections. Connections that are changing the trajectory of my life. All good things. All positives. All growth.

And so I saw this quote and it hit me. This. This is truly what I want. To be comfortable in my own skin.

To really and truly be ME. And feel good about it.

When I posted this image/quote on FB, a dear friend commented saying that she’d thought I had accomplished this and could move on to the next goal. I appreciated this compliment (Thanks, Sue!) but when I went to reply to her I found myself not feeling like I could own any sense of accomplishment, or completion of goal.

Full Disclosure: I started to type out a response that completely negated her compliment! I was taking no responsibility for having taken any of the steps to be more true to myself. And as I was typing out the response (which went something along the lines of: “oh no, not even close!”), I realized what I was doing. I was totally denying myself the satisfaction of any accomplishment on my part. On top of that, I was rejecting a very lovely and heartfelt compliment! It made no sense. It was self-sabotage at it’s finest. It was me not seeing and owning anything good within myself. And it was me not being able to accept a compliment.

Old habits die hard.

I read my short, dismissive reply before hitting enter to post, and just sat there and looked at my words. The more I read and re-read them, the more it felt like they hadn’t come from me. Even though I knew my own fingers had quickly flown across the keyboard to type out the response, without any thought. When I read them, they were not my true voice. They were the old voice. The one that I don’t like. The one that does not serve me. The one that is SO not comfortable in her own skin.

So instead of hitting enter to post, I DELETED the words. I erased them. Wiped them from the screen. I replaced them with something more like ‘not yet, but I’m on my way’.

It was kind of a metaphorical triumph for me. It may have been a small win, but these days I’ll take them where I can get them. Because even if I’m not there yet, I am on my way.

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4 thoughts on “a moment of clarity

  1. Jen July 3, 2015 / 6:10 pm

    You’re on your way, yes. And just by acknowledging where you are and where you want to get to, you are walking in that direction ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Betsy July 6, 2015 / 2:54 am

    this is UTTERLY fantastic. Love. Every. Word..

    Liked by 1 person

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